The Silence of Pain

How often do we paste a smile on our face and when someone asks us how we are doing, we reply with the standard “I’m fine” or “Good” when really we are feeling terrible, upset or just down in the dumps.  Yes, there is something to say for mind over matter and fake it til you make it attitude but it’s also perfectly fine to talk about that pain.  There is something liberating and a sense of release after discussing these feelings.

Five years ago I had a miscarriage.  Even though it was so long ago, I can remember every moment of that day.  That morning, I knew something wasn’t right.  I called the doctor and they had me come in immediately for an ultrasound.  I remember looking at the screen during the ultrasound and waiting and hoping for that little flicker of the heartbeat to appear but nothing ever happened.  My head was swirling and tears welled up in my eyes.  I was in shock.  I remember thinking, “This can’t happen to me, I already had a normal/healthy pregnancy.”

I can’t explain the feelings and emotions I went through.  The unending questions and “what ifs” that would race through my head – Why did this happen?  What could I have done differently?  Should I not have done that?  Was it a boy or a girl?  What would we have named them?  What kind of person would they have been?  What would they have looked like?

Each woman who experiences this will handle it a different way.  Typically, I feel like women and our society are very hush, hush when this happens.  It’s a loss of a little life no matter how far along you are in the pregnancy so you need time to heal.  To help me heal, I couldn’t stay quiet, I needed to talk about it.  And since I did this, other friends who experienced a miscarriage felt comfortable sharing with me or asking me how I handled the situation.  I remember how much I appreciated being able to call someone close to me and ask them what they did so I’m glad I was able to be there for others.

Time certainly does help with the healing process.  Since I had the miscarriage, I’ve had a healthy little boy who is absolutely perfect.  I couldn’t imagine my world without him.  I remember when we found out I was pregnant again, my husband and I were both a little hesitant to celebrate.  During pregnancy, you usually look at weeks/months but during my pregnancy with our son, I would take each day as a blessing because it was one more step closer to actually having our baby.

If you have suffered through a miscarriage or are going through some other feelings of sadness, insecurities, doubt or fear, know that you are not alone.  If you feel like you want to talk about it, do it.  Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed.  Speak the feelings, say them out loud.  When you’re holding on to this disguise that everything is fine when it’s not, you can’t truly enjoy this beautiful, messy and crazy life we live.

2 thoughts on “The Silence of Pain

  1. Great post, Charity. Thank you for being there for me. I had no idea that my two little angels would be waiting for me later down the road!

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